My name is Dominic Sesma.
I’m sharing my story to hopefully shed light on mental health for people who are similar to me, the ones that look happy on the outside, but when they are alone it's nothing but anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, and loneliness. I’ve been what you call a “popular loner” for as long as I’ve been a student athlete. I was always the happy kid, the kid who was always smiling, playing sports, hanging out with the popular group at school, the kid that everyone wanted to be around. My upbringing as a kid specifically my life at home wasn't the greatest, I didn't live in the best neighborhood or had tangible things that my friends had, but my parents provided my siblings and I with everything we needed. My escape from life was basketball and school. Playing basketball was my getaway, my sanctuary. I’m the happiest person mentally and physically when I’m on the court. It was the same way with school, I loved to read and write, I even skipped the eighth grade. It wasn't until high school where things went downhill mentally pretty quickly. Throughout high school, I found myself battling with my own thoughts almost every single day. I would get home from basketball practice and literally be angry at nothing. It felt like a headache that never went away. I played varsity basketball all four years of high school, I was very well known and cared for by parents, teachers, and staff. It looked like I had it all figured out, but no ever knew that I would have thoughts in my head that no one should ever have. I found myself always comparing my life to everyone else who “looked” happy. Yet I was the one who would go home and cry, draining myself asking so many questions as to why I am the way I am. I never told anybody what I was going through because I didn’t want anyone to see me as weak Dominic, because Dominic is this strong, intelligent, athletic guy that everyone likes. Why would anyone believe that Dominic is depressed or has suicidal thoughts?
This all transitioned into college. After spending my first two years in community college in Arizona, my mental health was something that haunted me even more than ever. But not a single teammate, professor, advisor, coach, or even my own family knew that I was depressed. That scary part about mental health is that there are student athletes like myself who look completely happy. They will smile at you and have normal day-to-day conversations, yet they feel mentally that society doesn't want to accept them. Whenever basketball season ended, I found myself in an even darker place mentally than ever before. When you have a routine, those “dark” places aren't as relevant. I then transferred to Buena Vista University in Storm Lake Iowa. Student athletes don’t like talking about it, but when you grow up in a city such as Phoenix, then having to move all alone to a small town where you know only the coach that recruited you, it is absolutely terrifying. But when you are a grown college student athlete, you never want to admit that you are scared. That’s the society we live in today sadly, where you look weak, or even weird for admitting that you need help. The first couple of weeks at BVU were very hard, I not only had to adjust to being away from family, but also living in the middle of nowhere, juggling class, sports, as well as trying to make new friends. At this point mentally I was burning inside, almost crying every night. But I would walk down the halls, eat the cafeteria, walk to the gym, or to my dorm with a big smile on my face, just like every other normal student there. From the outside looking in, it wouldn't make any sense because I “seemed” content with where I was. You never know what someone is going through, myself for example. A well known basketball player with a big smile, very friendly, outgoing, yet I was screaming inside for help and no one was answering.
In the middle of my basketball season, I tore my knee up and it ended my season. The one thing that actually made me happy was taken away from me in the matter of seconds. I was already so mentally drained just from battling with my own head every night, but now I've become an even more depressed student athlete in the middle of nowhere at a small university having to get knee surgery with no family. Injuries in any sport for both female and male athletes can be very stressful. Not many people understand that half the battle of coming back from an injury is mental. This aspect of depression is so overlooked, our society today sees athletes as just figures, forgetting that they have emotions mentally and spiritually for any given sport a student athlete is in. While waiting over a month to finally get the surgery, those dark places were more relevant than ever. I felt useless, alone, sad, I felt that no one liked me because I was the guy on crutches on the sidelines and not playing on the court. I felt that I was no good, like why am I even here? I hated myself, I would lay in bed with my hands on my head just asking myself what is the point of even living. I couldn’t go home because I just had surgery and I couldn’t get on a plane. During the months of insane rehab to simply learn how to walk again, the only thing I had going for me was physical training and rehab to get my knee right. I drained myself physically at this point, I couldn’t do any leg exercises, so I worked around it and worked all arms every single day at BV in the weight room for about 2-3 hours daily. The scary part about it, the only reason why I drained myself in the weight room doing arms was because physical pain and soreness took away from my mental pain and depression. I went days without sleeping, eating, or even talking to my own family. My second year at BV started off great. I was more prepared as to what to expect from the community, the university, as well as basketball. I trained all summer to get right physically, as well as mentally. Depression and anxiety in my case was like a wave, at some points in my life it was constant, then there are some points where it's calm and flat. I had no idea that what was about to happen to me would be the biggest wave I’ve ever been hit by.
A father figure of mine, a best friend, a life coach, one of the most important people to ever be in my life passed away on September 8th of 2019, a Sunday. A day I will never forget. Just as I thought I was in the clear mentally, my life stopped and I fell into a deep whole of nothing but depression, anxiety, anger, and loneliness. James Johnson, or “JJ”, was the greatest man I’ve ever known, he changed my life in so many ways, I couldn't imagine life without him. I fell to my knees in the middle of shooting in the gym, balling my eyes out. My roommate comforted me in the gym and I pushed him away. I was so angry at the world, I ran outside to the lake and cried, screamed at the top of my lungs saying, “I don’t want to be here anymore, take me!”. I cried till no tears could come out. I then ran to my best friend's dorm at the time and told her the news and I just sat in her dorm. I was in complete shock, I didn’t want it to be real. I walked back to my dorm and didn’t come out for 4 days. I skipped all my classes, didn't eat, didn't drink anything, not one second of sleep. When I finally came out of my dorm, the things I did for about two weeks were pretty scary.
Again, I’m sharing my story because I believe mental health is not taken as seriously as it should be in today's day in age. I would wake up every single morning at 4:30 AM to lift, then I’d lift with my team in the afternoon, then go to practice, but then after practice I would lie to my coaches and teammates saying I’m going to “bed” or “resting”, when really I went right back in the weight room till security kicked me out. When I got back to my dorm, I would borrow my friends car and walk around Walmart for an hour or so, then proceed to drive around Storm Lake blasting music, not singing, but crying every single night. I wanted to crash so bad so all the pain would stop. Whenever I finally got back to my room, instead of sleeping I would sit on my bed and dig my nails on the back side of my hands leaving nothing but deep scratches. At this point, I was trying to fill my emptiness, but nothing was working. So I turned to more physical pain that no one should ever go through. Twice, I walked down to the lake in the middle of the night, sat at a bench, and cut my forearm with my room key. At that point I couldn't mask the fact that I needed help. I was trying to fix myself with no help, I never asked for help because I was the one that never “needed” it.
As time went on, things started to clear up. Basketball season was nothing short of amazing, our team was playing amazing, I felt like I had more friends and finally had a purpose. I even started dating someone that helped me through this season more than I could even imagine. I got the help that I needed because it came to the point where I knew I needed to say something. I wanted my voice to be heard. In order for me to help people the way I wanted to, I needed to help myself first. I felt like I broke through for once, and I was actually happy. The season came to an end, but I was pleased with the outcome of everything because I knew I gave it everything I had. I was in a very happy relationship, I was healthy, I started to finally be at peace with where I was at. I no longer felt as if I was alone. I actually felt nothing but love, but then we all know what happens next.
Covid hits, and we are all sent home after spring break. This takes a toll on every student in the country because there were so many what ifs. Anxiety started to kick back in because I was trying to adjust to online learning. I didn’t know how stressful it was going to be. Students had so many questions as to what was going on with classes, the university itself, and how and when we were allowed back on campus to officially move out. The relationship I was in that made me feel whole again started to drift away. Things happened and before I knew it, I was in an extremely happy relationship one day, and the next day heartbroken. Men do not like to talk about when they get hurt in a relationship, it’s natural for us to feel the need to be strong. It’s okay not to be, because I was completely torn apart from what happened to me, but instead of trying to bottle it all in, I spoke about it to close family and friends, my therapist, as well as my church group. Talking about heartbreak can seem “corny”, but we need to allow people to share how they're feeling without judging their heart. I will admit, I’d cried like a baby. Some people will see that as something funny, but people who care about you will do what they can to get you back on your feet. I’m back home in Arizona now happier than ever, mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Only because once I broke out of my shell, out of my own head and actually got the help I needed, you start to see and feel that you are not alone.
There are people out there that will listen to you, and want to help you. All you need to do it let go. I hope my story helps people realize that mental health is real, you never know what your best friend, roommate, classmate, teammate, brother or sister are going through. Not many people even had a clue about who I was mentally, But hopefully my story gets to that one person who feels like they are alone, and doesn't feel wanted. I promise, It will only get better from here.
How did I receive help?
- Family: The first people I told about my mental health was my mom. She comforted me with open arms and helped me open up to my own family first. You want to surround yourself with people who truly love you. It will make the process so much easier to fight because you cannot fight mental health alone.
- Friends: I have a very small but great group of best friends, I was able to let them know what was going on with me. I had asked them to not throw a pity party for me, but to let them know that I am going through a season where I want to be vulnerable about my mental health. Your friends will help you stay active, some will even motivate you to become the best version of yourself you never thought you’d be.
- Therapy: I was able to connect to a mental health therapist through my family's insurance. Ask your parents or you legal guardian for any health insurance information, reach out to whatever company you're under. There are so many outlets regarding mental health, you just have to reach out. Once you find one, actually attend your sessions. I felt embarrassed at first, I didn’t feel strong enough to go. But what you don’t realize is that you going to get help is strong in itself, not holding it in thinking you are fine without it.
What to focus on
Mentally:
- What's the first thing you do when you get out of bed? Do you go straight to your phone and start scrolling? Build your habits at the beginning of the day. Wake up and drink some water, make your bed, and start your day right.
- Find activities that help you get away from life, such as working out, reading a book, go to work. Staying busy in the right way will help your mind be active in a healthy way.
- Speaking or even writing about your day. If you had a great day, let people know. Especially your group that has helped you. If you had a bad day, write it down. Try to analyze how and why the day didn’t go as well as it should and adjust to it.
Spiritually: - How well is your faith?
- Thankfully, I have an amazing church group of Christ centered individuals that have helped me more than ever.
- I’m a Christian, I was a lukewarm Christian for the longest. But praise to God, I have felt love from our savior more than ever. In your darkest times when you feel alone, God is right there, even when you don’t feel him
- Read your bible, take notes, join bible studies. Building a relationship with Jesus is the greatest thing you can ever do for yourself individually.
Physically:
- What are you putting into your body to help with your emotional stress?
- Eat healthy! What you put into your body is so important. Eating nothing but junk food tastes amazing, but doesn't fuel your body the way it should.
- Your health is your wealth.
- Working out and eating healthy is a lifestyle that only benefits physically and emotionally.
Emotionally:
- Who are you hanging out with?
- The term “you are who you surround yourself with” is an understatement. Who you surround yourself will determine whether or not you are serious about getting better.
- If you have to drop people out of your life that are toxic for your safekeeping, then it's best to move on. Surround yourself with positive people who are true and honest. Friends that will slap you with the truth then kiss you with a lie are the ones that really care about you, keep them around.
Conclusion
I hope that my story influences people to break through their own season of anxiety and depression. Sharing my story was difficult, it brought back some scary memories as to who I once was, but I’m thankful I went through those times because now I am able to use my own story to help anyone else who is afraid to open up. Anxiety is real, depression is real, it's a ghost that weighs you down but no one can see it or completely understand what you are going through except yourself. Be kind to everyone, reach out to your friends and simply ask how they are doing mentally. Letting people know they are there for them helps more than you think. Be available, listen to what people have to say when they are sad. You never know what the person sitting next to you is going through, so always be kind, always love first. You will get through it, you are not alone.